'Me' Time When Your Husband is Deployed

We are excited to feature some great advice by those who live the Army life each day: Soldiers and their Families. We will be bringing you their stories, advice, tips, ideas and more, right here at the Army Well-Being blog.

Today's guest blogger is Julie of the blog, "Julie the Army Wife: Daily Ramblings from the Wife of a Soldier."

One question I tend to get asked by my non-military friends is, “Do you ever get any time to yourself during the deployment?” And my answer is “Yes!”

My husband has been home from Iraq 3 months as of tomorrow. It has been awesome! Sometimes the deployment seems like it was such a long time ago. One nice thing about having him home is being able to get out for some “me” time without the kids and without having to find childcare or a babysitter. However, when he is gone? Well it is a little harder to be able to get out by myself.

During this past deployment I had a close friend that I traded babysitting with. This is ideal because you can both help each other out in the same way. It can take some planning but it can be a great way to have some time alone.

At our old post, we had a scrapbooking night once a month. They would usually have a babysitter on site in a playroom, which was nice. You had to pay for that but it was still very nice to be able to scrapbook with the ladies.

Family has been wonderful to help out too. This past summer I stayed with my parents and was able to have some time alone at least once a week.
There is also the CDC. During both deployments, we got a bunch of free hours. It was very nice.

There are also places like PWOC and our Hospitality house that have childcare available.

Ideally, I would love to have a regular babysitter. Probably a college age girl who could come one night a week. When my husband is home we could have a date night and when he was not I could have some time to myself.

Sometimes just getting out and going to the library/coffee shop, treating myself to ice cream or going on a photo walk for a few hours can totally refresh me!

Another thing I try to do during a deployment is being firm about bedtime. I had to have a few hours to myself each night. I love my children with all my heart but it was nice to tuck them into bed and go grab a bowl of ice cream or go put on a movie.

How do you find time to get away and relax? How do you find “me” time during deployment?

~ Courtesy http://juliethearmywife.blogspot.com/

For more information, visit Army Well-Being: Deployment Resources.

The Best Investment You’ll Ever Make

Today's guest blogger, Jillian Lemons, has learned some tough lessons through repeated deployments.  But the best lesson she's learned has helped her be a better -- and happier! -- person.  Read how this National Guard spouse decided to be proactive, take a postive view of life, and invest in herself!  You can follow Jillian on Twitter: http://twitter.com/JRLemons.

As always, feel free to comment on this post and share your ideas, too!

Being a military spouse and a stay-at-home mom are two very challenging roles to play. I’m an Army National Guard spouse, so I don’t live on post or near a base like the typical military spouse does. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that when your spouse is deployed, all the responsibilities end up on your plate.

I’ve taken a different approach to being separated from my Soldier this time around. Instead of being negative, feeling sorry for myself and sadly looking at the calendar and how much further we have to go until he comes home, I decided that this time around is going to be better. I decided that I’m not going to let my negativity infect my whole world and make everything harder and worse for myself.

Not only have I taken this new way of thinking and applied it to my military life, I’ve applied it to my everyday life as well. My new mantra is: Invest in yourself.

When I say, “Invest in yourself,” I mean exactly that. Take the time to make sure you’re at your absolute best. It’s like a going on a long road trip. You wouldn’t just get in the car and get going, would you? No, you would make sure the car was prepared for the journey; oil change, tires, engine, etc. Same goes for you when it comes to deployments. In order for you to take on the responsibilities necessary for you and your Family to make it, it’s smart to fine tune yourself as well; physically and mentally. It’s like the old saying goes, “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” It’s also true for caring for your Family. How can you expect to take care of your Family and do the best job you can, if you’re not taking proper care of yourself?

Most mothers will admit that they put their spouse and children’s needs before their own. And while I agree with that to a point, I’m a firm believer in making yourself just as high on the priority list as they are. It takes a lot to care for a Family. It takes even more to care for a Family while you’re spouse is deployed. You’re running the whole show! Just like your husband is on the job 24/7, so are you. And why should you get moved to the bottom of the list, just because you’re solo? If anything, that’s the reason you should move to the top of the list! If you’re not at your 100% best, it will ultimately affect your ability to care for your Family, which will then make it harder on everyone else, too.

We knew ahead of time that we had a deployment coming up. This meant that I had many responsibilities that were going to be served up to me, ready or not. And I decided to be ready! I started by going through the usual “checklists” for military spouses when preparing for a deployment. But I also made a self checklist too.

I decided to find psychologist/therapist to see and talk to throughout the deployment. I figured, it couldn’t hurt and would most definitely help. It’s a great way to just talk about whatever is in the forefront of your mind at that point in time and the best part, the therapist will listen objectively! No friend/family input or opinions or unwanted advice. Therapy is definitely an indulgence for me. My therapist isn’t there to try and “fix me.” That’s not what it’s about. It’s just a good way to get the “stuff” floating around in my head, released. I look forward to those appointments and end up leaving happier than when I arrived. I lucked out and found a great person that I really meshed with. Therapy and mental health get a bad rap in general, but believe me, it’s definitely a great thing to check out and see if you benefit from it or not.

The other things I did to put myself first is to be at my healthiest. I started exercising 4-5 days a week. I designated a specific time to workout and was consistent with it. It was MY TIME. Yes, I have to take my 1 year old with me, in her stroller, but I still count it as “me time.” I could make excuses that I’m too tired, or I have a baby and two other kids and can’t go or a million other reasons as to why I can’t find time to workout. However, I’ve found that exercise is yet other key to being at your 100% best. I’ll be the first one to admit, its hard work, but having the dedication and commitment is crucial to becoming successful. I found a quote by Ralph Marston that goes, “Success often comes from doing ordinary things with extraordinary commitment.” I think this is an awesome quote and a great way to look at the things in your life.

The biggest and most challenging thing I’ve done to grow through this deployment instead of getting through this deployment is being positive. I know that may sound cheesy and but it’s a lot easier said than done. By getting rid of all the negative things that surround the word “deployment” and turning it into a great thing, I saw it as an opportunity for me to set goals for myself, find new hobbies, discover and learn things about myself, and to be proud of myself and the things I do. I take pride even in the smallest accomplishments. All of those small accomplishments will add up to one big one when the deployment is done.

Like I said before, it’s not easy to have a positive attitude and outlook all the time. Sometimes you just have to learn to laugh at the situation or let it go, no matter how bad you think it is. Life isn’t always smiles and fun. But being able to see the brighter side of things instead of the darker side is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your Family.

I’ve even been able to help turn my husband’s attitude around by giving him positive advice about whatever is going on in that particular moment in time. Everyone needs to vent at one point or another. Get it out and then move on. There’s always going to be something good that comes out of something not-so good. Not only is negativity a waste of time and energy, it’s contagious. It infects everyone around you. Same rings true for a positive attitude and a smile … whether its real or not.

There have been many times that I haven’t wanted to smile or be a “positive Polly.” It’s easier to join in on the negativity and stew in it, instead of rising above it and choosing a different outlook. Now, I don’t have to fake the smiles or “pep talks” so-to-speak. They’re real. It’s become my persona. Quite a few friends have taken notice of this change as well. It’s funny because in the past when I had the negative outlook, no one said a thing. But now that I’ve changed all of that, people are speaking up and complimenting me on how well I seem to be doing. And there’s no “seem to be” about it. I’m doing well. In fact, I’ll go as far as saying that I’m doing great! I’m a stay-at-home mom of three kids, my husband is deployed, and I can still smile and have a wonderful day.

Surprisingly enough, these past almost four months have flown by. I haven’t once looked at the calendar and thought to myself, “Ugh … time is going by so slow! When will this be over?” To this day, it still shocks me at how fast the days, weeks, and months are coming and going. I’m most definitely giving the majority of the credit for the way things are going to the fact that I decided to invest in myself, prepare myself ahead of time, and no matter what, always look at the brighter side of things. All of this has reflected from me to my Family and even all the way across the world to my husband.

For more information, visit Army Well-Being: Deployment Cycle Support.

Catch Those Creative Juices and Box 'Em Up for Your Soldier!

Today's guest blog post comes from military spouse, Jillian Lemons.  Jillian shares some great ideas for care packages while your Soldier is deployed.  You can follow Jillian on Twitter: http://twitter.com/JRLemons. 

As always, feel free to comment on this post and share your ideas, too!

I haven’t been a military spouse for long, but with all the care packages I’ve sent and ideas I have you’d think I’ve been doing this for a lot longer. I love being creative as creative as I can. I love doing things for my husband that I know will make him smile or totally make his day great!

Anything and everything that I think may make my husband smile, especially if I think it may be silly or stupid, it’s usually the things he loves the most. Sending a thoughtful package that I’ve put lots of time, effort, and love into makes me just as excited to send it as it is for my husband to receive it.

It seems that when I come up with a great idea, I get worried that I won’t be able to “top” it, in a sense. But somehow, someway, I end up thinking of another way to show my love and appreciation for my Soldier.

I’ve complied some of the things I’ve done for my husband and some ideas I have yet to do. I hope it gives you some inspiration and that you can put your own creative spin on things or even add to them and make them even better!

One of my husband’s favorite things I’ve ever sent to him was this box full of ordinary, everyday items that I turned into anything but. Each item that I included in the box had a bigger meaning behind it than you would normally think of when you saw each item. I also attached the name of the item and then the reason it was in the box (I typed up, printed out, cut apart, and glued each one on red, white and blue construction paper) with ribbon.

Here’s a list of the things I put into the box:

• A yellow ribbon: so you always know you have 100% support.
• A piece of rope: for when you’re reaching the end of yours.
• Lifesavers: because that’s what you are to me.
• Hug (Hershey’s): so you know that someone is always on your side.
• A bag of marbles: for when you feel like you’ve lost yours!
• Ibuprofen: because all jobs can be a headache sometimes.
• A tootsie roll: to help you roll with the punches.
• Confetti: to remind you to have fun.
• A candle: to light up the darkness.
• A penny: for luck!
• A rubber band: to stretch yourself beyond the limits.
• A cotton ball: to cushion the rough roads.
• A jolly rancher: to remind you of how sweet things can be.
• Magnets: to remind you of how strong and powerful our love is for each other.
• A battery: to give you that extra charge to keep you going.
• Tape: to fix things that won’t work.
• String: to tie things together when everything falls apart.
• A match: to light your fire when you’re feeling burned out.
• Starbursts: to give you a burst of energy on a day you feel you have none.
• Gum: to help your unit stick together.
• Smarties: because that what you are..SMART!
• A bag: to help you keep it all together.

I’m sure there are many other things that could be included with this idea, but those are the ones that I used. He loved it!  It took a little time to put it all together, but it was worth it!

For more information, visit Army Well-Being "Deployment Cycle Support."

An Open Letter to Teachers of Military Kids

Today's guest blog post comes from This Fabulous Army Life and reminds us that back-to-school can mean different things to different students ... and our military kids may have more on their minds than just first day of school jitters.

My military kids heading back to school

Dear Professional Educators,

For most kids, Back to School means school supplies, new shoes, and a reluctant farewell to the lazy days of summer. For military kids, it might be a bit more complicated. If you have military kids in your classroom, this letter is just for you!

On the first day of school, many of our military kids will be attending yet another new school. They will have to learn new rules and procedures, introduce themselves to new friends, and try to find their place in a world that is brand-new to them.

Remember that they may have just moved into the area, leaving behind close friends and familiar surroundings. It could be that they are still living out of boxes since their family’s household goods were delivered the day before. Or they might be the ones who stayed in their home while their closest friends moved on to a new installation in another state. Thank you for providing them a comfortable, safe place at school to learn and grow.

If these military kids have a parent deployed, they are in a special group all to themselves. This group of children may need additional support, extra attention, and a touch of compassion for their unique situation. When a young mind is worried about the safety of their parent, it changes their perspective on life and could affect their school performance.

If one appears uninterested in geography, it may be that he is distracted, thinking about countries like Afghanistan and Iraq, where his hero has been and is currently deployed. If another becomes aggressive at recess, consider that she may be acting out on emotions she doesn’t even understand. They miss their Soldier-parents. Thank you for showing them kindness and helping them learn appropriate ways to handle their frustration.

Finally, thank you for taking on the challenge of educating today’s youth. We appreciate your dedication to teaching and encouraging our children. Along with their peers, they need teachers like you, who will care about them, set high standards, and work to ensure their success. We look forward to working with you to determine the best learning possible for our kids and making this a successful school year.

Very Sincerely,
Military Parents

Leave a comment or share your tips for preparing our military kids for a new school year!

"Our Normal" Between Deployments

Guest blogger Christina Piper describes how deployment affects daily life for military Families, even during the coveted "dwell time" when servicemembers are at home with their Families.  It's a powerful post with which many Army Families can identify and empathize.  Read more of Christina's posts at "Her War, Her Voice" blog.

I am thinking that we might be hitting our normal, at least normal for us. We still have crazy hours, and the Army is still a very active role in our lives but deployment shenanigans have almost disappeared.

It has almost been a year and a half since his last return from war. The dreams have stopped. I am not jumping at fireworks, and his jumps are not as noticeable. I am use to sleeping next to him again, and will rarely double check if he is really there. I am not shocked to hear his voice in the mornings, or as annoyed when my stuff is moved around in the bathroom. There is now space for him. There is now space for Us.

The kids are coming around. My girl lives for every moment spent in his arms. She watches for any opening to touch him, and love him. She is no longer crying for him at night, and looks forward to doing anything that he is a part of. Her laugh fills the air when he is around.

My son is still giving him a hard time, but there are moments that his walls come down. There are moments when he will cuddle up in his lap and chill. He can’t wait for wrestle time, playful arguments, and any sort of competition. He struggles with showing his love, but it is there.

I see my husband relaxing into this life, again, and there is a sense of peace in him, at times. I also see him react to the news that his guys are going again, and I know that he would go with them, given the choice. I don’t feel him flinch when I touch him, and his smile is reaching his eyes, at last.

I am beginning to let my guard down, and that scares me. I am enjoying normal in this moment, and I am waiting for the next set of orders. Deployment gnaws at the back of my mind like a rat trying to get into a seed bag, persistent and relentless. Guilt swims in my veins at every word from others facing the “D” word. I cry, and I know that that will be us again.

I fear the fourth long deployment. I fear it, and I know that it is coming. It is coming like the tide, and I don’t know when it will arrive. But I feel it lingering there waiting to break up our normal. Waiting to tear at us, and challenge us again. Waiting to put tears in my children’s eyes, and waiting to take him away. Waiting to take him away from us, yet again.

We will live in normal while we can, for as long as we can. I will breathe his smell in deep, for I know what it is like when that smell is absent for a year or more. I will be thankful for this time, and cherish it while I can. I will hold him in spades, wash his underwear, and deal with his foul habits, because when he is called again to war I will need to look back on normal.

More Resources for Deployment Cycle Support

Kids Enjoy a "Mock Deployment"

Traci Cook writes about her Family's attendance at the "Mock Deployment" recently hosted on Fort Hood, Texas.

Fort Hood hosted a "Mock Deployment" for children last week, an event designed to educate our kids on a little of what our Soldiers encounter when they prepare to deploy.  I was interested right away and signed up my two boys -- ages ten and seven -- for the event.  The kids were encouraged to dress in their best Army or camoflauge summer clothes for the event.  Our boys immediately took out their battalion t-shirts and camo shorts and were ready for the day.  After a flurry of sunscreen and final preparation, we were on our way.

Upon arrival, the boys checked in at the registration desk for their deployment packet ... a backpack full of fun stuff: camo binoculars ("bi-nos" for our experienced kids), dog tags, water bottle, and lots of great booklets and information for them.  They were given new identities for the day:  PFC Cook, N. and PFC Cook, J.  After being assigned to "Echo Platoon," we headed outside so the boys could fall into their formation.  A military roll-call ensued followed by a few quick lessons on right-face, left-face, about-face, forward march, attention, and at ease.

As the new troops stood in formation behind their platoon guidon, the Army Community Service (ACS) coordinators welcomed the troops and the III Corps Command Sergeant Major gave a brief overview of the day then taught the kids how to shout out a proper "HOOAH."  The formations then all marched into our first briefing of the day.  The introduction brief was all about what it's really like during deployment, complete with a slide show.  From there, the kids moved through several fun stations.

A first step in the process was getting throug the Medical station.  The kids all received 'shots' ("Thank goodness THOSE were fake," says one of the boys.) from medical personnel then moved through dental (receiving new toothbrushes and toothpaste) then taking an eye exam where their vision was deemed fit to deploy.  The next few stations were definitely among the most fun of the day.  First, all participants were face painted in camo then allowed to try on a variety of real Army gear with Soldiers standing by to assist.  The kids could try on:  kevlars, bullet-proof vests, protective masks, gloves, boots, and more.

Just like in a real preparation for deployment, the kids participated in several briefings throughout the day.  They heard the In-Country brief where they learned about the cultures of Iraq and Afghanistan, some "dos" and "don'ts" of dealing with the people of those countries, and saw lots of photos of what the area would look like when they got there.  The participants also talked about all the things they needed to do before they left the country, including age-appropriate descriptions of Powers of Attorney, financial requirements, and the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ).  They even participated in the Family Readiness Group (FRG) brief where they talked about things like "What is an FRG anyway?"  Next, the troops moved outside for a mini-road march complete with cadences then a training obstacle course.  The course contained tires to step through, a water grenade qualification range, low crawls, and a zig-zag speed course.  My boys had a blast doing this!

Water Grenade Qualification Range

Low Crawl

The Final Run

After the obstacle course, the military police from Fort Hood demonstrated their amazing working canines.  We watched some of their training techniques and enjoyed the dogs showing off their skills.  Once that was complete, each participant was given a Meal Ready to Eat (MRE, certificate of completion, and said farewell in a final formation.  After the event was over, we went back to the static displays of various Army vehicles and equipment.  Our unit had some Soldiers there showing participants through a Howitzer.  It was a huge hit with the kids and my own boys spent a good amount of time crawling in and out and asking a million questions.  All of the participating Soldiers were fabulouse ... informative, friendly, and eager to show off their prize equipment.  It was a great time.

Here, the boys spend lots of time quizzing Soldiers about the Howitzer.

Later that evening, my Soldier demonstrated the finer points of preparing MREs to the boys.  They opened up their packages and were eager to eat "just like Daddy does in the field."  We brought home Chicken & Dumplings and Spaghetti with Meat Sauce.  The boys were very good sports, trying all of the different items.  My favorite quotes of the night?  "Daddy, is this a chicken or a dumpling?" and, in response to me telling them that Daddy had eaten lots of MREs throughout his years in the Army, "Poor Daddy."

Thanks for reading about our fun time learning more about how to prepare for deployment!  I'd love to know what you think ... or if your installation has a similar event?  Please feel free to comment here!

For more information about preparing for deployment, visit Army Well-Being: Deployment Cycle Support.

Reflections on R & R: Expectations and Reality

A big thanks to Tim Blake, author of the blog "Army Dad: A blog about life from a stay at home dad and proud Army spouse" for this great post about deployment.  Tim reflects on R & R ("Rest and Recuperation") leave .... from an Army husband's perspective.  You don't want to miss this!

I can't remember many things in my life that I've anxiously waited for quite like I did for R&R. We began the countdown to my wife's return home way back in January. Each day that passed was another crossed off the calendar. As the days got closer, the waiting got harder. It's hard to imagine being more ready for anything like I was for her to come home.

And then, it finally happened. She came home. And what followed was probably two of the happiest weeks of our marriage. But they weren't without their own issues. You see, both of us had expectations for what life would be like, both of us had imagined what the reunion would be like. Like so many things in our lives, though, reality is usually a lot different from what our expectations are. And I'd like to talk about the contrast between the two.

When you are going through something like we are, a year apart from your spouse who is in a war, the only thing certain is that you will change as a person. There's no way to avoid it. Now, sometimes you change for the worse. Many of us who've lived in a military community for years know of those examples. Some marriages don't survive the year long deployment. Some people don't remain faithful to their spouse while they are apart. Other times, like in my case, you change for the better.

Whatever the case may be, change occurs. What that means is you aren't the same person that your spouse left. Sure, you talk on the phone often and ‘Skype’ and all those VTC things. But that's not the same as being there. I've learned to raise 4 children all alone this year. I've been through a lot and have grown a ton. All of that is related to the experiences I've had this year. And everything I've experienced, I’ve experienced alone.

What this all means is you and I, the spouse back home in this war, have to allow our Soldier the chance to get to know us again, to get used to the changes in us. Unfortunately, our expectations are that when our spouse gets off the plane they will know exactly who we are and where we are coming from. What's more, our spouses have been in a combat environment for so many months that they aren't the same person either. What you have, then, is two people who have changed over the course of the deployment and need to get reacquainted. Both of us probably thought we'd be seeing the same person we saw 7 months ago.

So you can see how the expectations of us picking right up where we left off were completely unrealistic. What I found to be the case was this: the first couple of days together are blissfully happy. They are filled with joy and peace as we finally got to see each other and hold each other again after so long apart. Since we spent the first two days without the kids, this was an even better reunion. It was like a honeymoon!
The next few days, however, were a little bit strained as she had to become acquainted with our routines and methods. When you are raising 4 kids on your own, you are bound to do things differently than you did as a couple. It's only natural. And that was our situation.

The next few days were really a readjustment period. And it was more on her part as she was forced to come to grips with our way of doing things. That said, she was prepared for it as I explained to her in the weeks leading up to R & R that she would need to adopt a ‘guest mentality’ when she arrived. Now, you might think that was mean or unreasonable, but in light of what I wrote above, you can see the logic. We have our way of doing things right now and that way is meant to get us through. I remember telling her that I'd be completely open to discussing changes in the way we do things when she came home for good later this year, but this was how things were going to be until then. To her credit (she's such a better person than I am!), she was completely on board with this.

After the readjustment period, things really smoothed out and we had a great time together as a family. Our R & R (I say ‘our’ because it was a break for both of us from this deployment) was exactly what we needed. Sure, it did take a couple of days for us to get reacquainted and get back into the "married" mentality. But the fact that we were able to is a testament to the strength of our marriage.

You see, I will go to the ends of the earth for my wife. My love for her means I'll make whatever adjustment I need to so that she can feel at home. No, it isn't always easy. But she's worth it. What's more, she feels the same way. I remember her telling me "I want to be a part of your routines, not interrupt them, or, more importantly, disrupt them." She understood how important our routines are to us as we carry on while she's gone.

Readjustment is easy when both of us realize that the other isn't quite the same person any more. One thing that never changes for us, though, is how much we love and support each other. And that's what helps get us through this deployment!

~ Courtesy "Army Dad: A blog about life from a stay at home dad and proud Army spouse"


For more information on the deployment cycle, visit Army Well-Being: Deployment Cycle Support.

Is Your Army Kid Depressed?

Christina Piper is today's wonderful guest blogger; she writes for the blog, "Her War, Her Voice."  In this post, Christina talks about an important topic: Depression and children, especially those in military Families.

In an article titled, "The Depressed Child," the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says that our kids can get depression and that stress and loss can increase the chances of having childhood depression. So what does this mean for our military kids? Our kids that are facing one or both of their parents leaving for a year or more at a time, and then that parent coming home for a short period and going again. Or even worse, never returning.

So when a friend called me and discussed that her wonderful six-year-old daughter has been diagnosed with clinical depression, I wondered, “How could she not?” This sweet little girl has had the love of her life ripped from her over and over again. Her dad has been away with three deployments and year long school totaling 80% of her life. Her mom fights depression herself and is trying to do her best to get them through another deployment.

This little girl kicks and screams and completely shuts down. She bottles up her emotions and refuses to cry. She wants to be strong and she doesn’t want to disappoint her family. She turns to repeating the same phrase over and over again to comfort herself or to hide. This loving little girl internalizes everything because she doesn’t have the ability to say what she needs. Her mom is fighting to relieve her stress and all the pressure placed on her little soul. All she wants is her dad and that is the one thing her mom cannot produce for her.

I listen to their frustration and I cry for them, but being so far away I don’t know what to do but listen. I hear my friend’s fear and I worry about her husband’s reaction and how this will eat at him. I allow them to let me have it to let loose all their worry, and I know that this is all I can do. I listen.

They are doing the right things and it is a fight. They have her in counseling and they are finding ways for her to have control of her situation. They are giving her a safe supportive place for her to feel whatever she is feeling. She is going to be OK but what about all the children that are not getting diagnosed?

Here are some signs to look for.  If one or more of these signs of depression persist, parents should seek help:

• Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying

• Decreased interest in activities; or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities

• Hopelessness

• Persistent boredom; low energy

• Social isolation, poor communication

• Low self esteem and guilt

• Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure

• Increased irritability, anger, or hostility

• Difficulty with relationships

• Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches

• Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school

• Poor concentration

• A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns

• Talk of or efforts to run away from home

• Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self destructive behavior

Source:  "The Depressed Child," The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Not all of our kids are going to have these issues, but we do need to be aware of the symptoms. There is nothing scarier then not being able to help our kids.

~ Courtesy "Her War, Her Voice" blog

For more information, see Army Well-Being: Behavioral Health.

Deployment and the Stages of Grief

Our next fabulous guest blogger is Sara of the blog "Welcome to the Blog of an Army Wife."  She describes her initial reaction to deployment when husband, Joe, first leaves. 

I was talking to a (civilian) friend of mine earlier today and probably complaining a little too much. I've known this girl since I was 8; she's been my best friend for a long time. She even knows Joe. At one point she gives me a reality check and reminds me that Joe is just deployed, not dead.

But it got me thinking, a very dangerous thing for a wanna-be psychologist to do. In college, I read a book called "On Death and Dying." by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She outlines 5 stages of grief.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

1. Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
3. Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
4. Depression (I don't care anymore)
5. Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I fully believe I am going through these stages. The day I left Joe at his company I came home and couldn't believe what I had done. I walked around the house repeating, "what have I done, what have I done? This cant be happening."

And then yesterday, I ventured outside of my apartment. Every time I saw a man in uniform I could feel myself getting angry. I even mentioned it on Twitter and some people agreed with my statement and even said the emotions were normal.

So today? I stared at my phone until noon. "I just need a phone call. I just need to hear his voice. I just need to know he's okay. Please call me." And at noon, I heard his voice. And my day got noticeably better. It dawned on me that I hadn't eaten since Thursday morning (I get what we have coined Depression Fasting, I actually forget to eat when I'm sad or upset. And when I am hungry, nothing sounds appetizing). I had even opened a box of girl scout cookies so I would eat something and they had been left on the kitchen counter.

So maybe depression is next? I'm not a depressed person, so this could get interesting.

Grief.

Wikipedia defines it as a response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed.

There is this huge void in my life right now. I knew I would be lonely. Anyone could predict there would be a little depression and a lot of sadness. But the stages of grief? I never saw this one coming.

~ Courtesy "Welcome to the Blog of an Army Wife"
 
For more information, visit Army Well-Being: Deployment Cycle Support.

Army Kids are Heroes

April is the Month of the Military Child. In honoring our Army kids, we want to share this blog post with you. It comes from an Army wife, writing about her recent reunion with her Soldier after a year-long deployment, and how her kids have shown her true perserverance through it all.

I have been thinking lately about Army kids and how they seem to have their very own brand of independence and confidence, honed by years of moving to new places, meeting new people, and saying farewell to good friends whose Soldier had been reassigned to a new location. When my kids talk about taking a family trip, they don't stop at the local Six Flags or Water Park. They suggest places like Washington, DC, London, England, and Vicenza, Italy ... all places where friends have moved in the past year.

In my reminiscing of Army kids, I was reminded of an Army child I met years ago, before we had kids of our own. My husband and I had just moved into temporary quarters at Fort Stewart, Georgia, when we heard a knock at our door. We had just arrived and no one yet knew how to reach us, so we were surprised to have a visitor. When I opened the door, a little girl about nine years old was standing there. "Welcome!" she said, "I am new here, too. Do you have any kids I could play with?" I loved that she was making the most of her situation (with her parents close by), and "growing where she was planted." It makes me wonder what personality traits she will take with her into her adult life that are enhanced by living the Army life during her childhood.

I have been keeping a close eye on my own children as well, evaluating their reactions to the separation from their father along with seeing more close friends pack up to leave this summer. Last week, we were able to welcome our Soldier home from a year-long deployment. As we went through the various stages that were a part of this event, I kept an especially close eye on both of my children, ages nine and six. They have endured a long year of separation from their all-time hero and father and were beyond excited to welcome him home.

I enjoyed observing them making "Welcome Home" banners (favorite quote? "Mommy, how do you spell 'welcome-home-daddy-you-are-my-hero-and-I-have-missed-you-so-much-and-let's-play-our-favorite-game-when-we-get-home!'"), cleaning their rooms, baking welcome-home cookies, and hanging welcome home signs all over our house. They both made comments that the last few days before 'welcome home' were just too long. One said it's harder than waiting for Santa Claus; the other simply stated, "We've waited for this day for a long time."

Numerous times, I found myself filled with a strange mix of emotions -- pride, joy, sadness, anxiety -- as I worked with them to get ready for Daddy to come home. I loved how excited they were and was so proud of how well they have handled all that they had been handed during this time apart. I was thrilled that we would be a complete family unit again and that my youngest would have a parent available who could actually help him with his baseball stance (and not just say things like, "Mmm, I don't think that looks quite right, honey. Try lifting your elbows a bit ..."). I was also a bit anxious about what their reaction would be to seeing their Daddy again. I knew they would be happy, but it must be every Army spouse's nightmare that their children might not recognize their Soldier-parent upon return.

As it turned out, our welcome home ceremony was scheduled for midnight. The boys were crushed that they had to go to bed ONE MORE TIME before Daddy would be there, but were able to fall asleep fairly quickly. When I woke them up, the oldest bolted out of bed, slid into his shoes (they both went to bed in the shorts/shirt they would wear to greet Daddy), and raced to the front door. The youngest was exhausted and fought all the way to the car ("Why are you waking me UP?!?!?"), but woke up on the ride to post, thrilled to be on his way to getting his Dad.

When we arrived at the parade field, I was again amazed at the flexibility and independence of Army kids. My sons immediately approached a group of kids gathered on the field and, within minutes, were playing like old friends. As "arrival time" grew nearer, I watched the growing group of kids on the field. A dee-jay was playing fun songs and they ran and danced and played like they had all been best friends for life. It occurred to me that having a deployed parent in common might just be as strong a bond as knowing each other since birth.

Eventually, the deejay announced that the buses were just moments away. We watched as the military police car, with sirens blaring and lights flashing, escorted our Soldiers to the field. The Soldiers then exited the bus, moved into a formation, and began marching across the field. As they got close, the deejay announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen! America's Heroes are HOME!!" The cheers were deafening and the front row of kids looking for their parent again caught my attention. The looks of pure joy and excitement on these little faces were a wonder to see.

As the 2-minute ceremony ended, the announcer said, "In the fine tradition of the Cavalry, it is time to find your Soldier ... CHARGE!" If you've ever seen an elementary school field day race, you'll have some idea of how fast these kids reached their Soldiers. I think my oldest might have broken some sort of land-speed record as he sprinted to tackle his dad. As caught up as I was in greeting my husband, my hero, and the love of my life ... I still was astounded at the Army kids around me, all welcoming their hero home, and all ready for whatever might come next.

For these and a hundred other reasons, Army kids are heroes!

~ Courtesy This Fabulous Army Life


For more news and resources just for Army kids, please visit Army Well-Being: Army Kids.

Need to Feel that Rush? Check out Warrior Adventure Quest!

Every now and then I run across something that just makes me proud (all over again!) to be an Army wife. I just posted the article "Warrior Adventure Quest Helps Soldiers" on the Army Well-Being homepage and am so impressed with this program.

If your Soldier has deployed to combat, you have likely seen a slightly different person return from war than the one who left. This may or may not be drastic, and may or may not be negative. It would be very difficult to live 12+ months away from home, experiencing high-stress, life-or-death situations regularly, and not be affected by it at all.

Sometimes this can manifest itself in a good way. My husband and I have talked about the fact that it seems easier for us to keep the "small things" small after 24 months of deployment during the past four years. Who really cares if the socks make it into the laundry hamper or if the dishes are left overnight? His socks are HERE, not in Iraq, and the dishes just means we enjoyed a meal ... together!

It's not always that simple, of course, but deployment can have a way of bringing things into perspective for you. Another possible effect of combat deployments is the Soldiers' need to "feel that rush." True, IED explosions and small arms fire are likely not anybody's idea of a good time, but they do produce an adrenaline rush that is difficult to replicate. Enough high-stress events like these, and a Soldier could begin to feel a 'need' for the same reaction he/she gets in combat situations. Sometimes, this can play out in other high-risk behaviors, like driving too fast, unsafe motorcycle drives, or physcial aggression.

Enter: Warrior Adventure Quest (WAQ). This program is designed to assist Soldiers in dealing with just this issue. A quote from the article says:

Through WAQ, Soldiers are exposed to healthy alternative high-adrenaline activities in a safe, controlled environment. These types of activities have proven to mitigate boredom and high-risk behavior.

It is such an impressive program to me because it is so real. It directly addresses a real need of our Soldiers today. Take a moment to read the entire article and see this video from the Fort Benning MWR for more information on the program.



We welcome your comments!

For the Love of Army Kids

As Valentine's Day draws near, parents will be searching for just the right goody for their little sweethearts.  Chocolates, stuffed bears, and frilly heart-shaped cards will be greeted with big smiles on the 14th of February.

At Army Well-Being, we're continuously looking for the best news, tips, resources, and ideas to serve our Soldiers and their Families.  Because we know just how precious your little 'valentines' are to you, here are some of the latest and greatest posts especially for our Army parents.

Please comment to add your own ideas; we'd love to hear from you!


Military Families Get Free Access to Caregiver Network

Did you know?  Military Families now have free access to an online network of quality caregivers who can assist with everything from babysitting to dog walking!  Sittercity is the nation’s largest online source for local babysitters, nannies, elder care providers, dog walkers, housekeepers, and tutors, and contains more than a million caregiver profiles.  The Sittercity Corporate Program, funded by the Defense Department, offers military Families — including active duty, Guard, and Reserve — with a paid membership to the site.

Protect the Ones You Love: Prevent Road Traffic Injuries

The CDC gives us a startling statistic:  Every hour, 150 children between ages 0 and 19 are treated in emergency departments for injuries sustained in motor vehicle crashes. More children ages 5 to 19 die from crash-related injuries than from any other type of injury.  Read more on how parents can ensure the safety of their children on the road.

Patriotic, Active Kids Suffer Less Deployment Stress

Adolescents who believe that America supports the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and that Soldiers are making a difference in the world are less likely to suffer from anxiety and stress when their parent deploys.  The research -- conducted by Army War College researcher Leonard Wong -- revealed that strong Army Families and increased activity by children also reduced the level of stress.

10 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids During Deployment

Most of us don't want to think about deployment and time away from the Family, especially at Valentine's.  But, deployment can be tough on important relationships if you aren't prepared.  Read these 10 great tips that can help you and your Family to make it through deployment.